Today started out as a hopeful day. I began it with a twenty one day guided meditation by Deepok Chopra. As I sat there and listened to it I began to get to choked up and emotional. For the past eight or nine months I had avoided doing much introspective work. I had avoided for the most part what has been going on deep inside of me. In those eight or nine months I had gone through a rough patch where some bitterness took over. I was really fed up of having to go through so much therapy and pain in my twenties. Isn’t your twenties suppose to be fun? Not to be taken over with therapy because your childhood was so bad that if you want to get anywhere in life you have to go. I didn’t want to sit in my own feelings. I know that bitterness will not get me anywhere, except stuck of course. As I sat through the meditation I knew that part of the emotion and tears that started to well up were due to a deep inward thankfulness to myself. That today I had the bravery to start healing myself even further. The tears were also fear. With meditation brings silence, and silence brings truth. The truths that surface aren’t always pleasant ones, at least not for me. But they will bring you the awareness that enables you to grow further, and raise your vibration.
The next twenty one days I dedicate myself to this guided meditation. The trouble I face is that devoting myself to introspective work typically raises a lot of rage within me. As my day went along, I only noticed my mood decreasing by the hour. The mantra that I learned to repeat throughout my day only angered me. Spending twenty minutes this morning sitting still in my own feelings, repeating this mantra fueled such a fire. Naturally I had the thoughts of not continuing the meditation, and continuing about my morning in the typical way. I will roll out of bed get myself an overpriced coffee, and immerse myself in Pinterest until it is time to go to work. Then while being at work I will divulge myself in a delusional fantasy thought that will occupy my mind until I am done massaging. Then I head home, and find another way to distract myself from myself. How dare this meditation take me out of my distractions!
Living a positive life is not always about the light. Sometimes you have to go through the dark in order to get to the light. For me that means having the courage to sit through the meditations, and allow whatever it is that needs to surface arise. Instead of running to things that distract me, to sit ever so present. The good part about all the anger that I felt today, is that I allowed myself to feel it. I sat frozen for months in distraction, and today I felt again. Sometimes I am so angry about my life and the steps I have had to take to change it. Sitting in meditations, and going about reading self help books can very difficult.
At times I fear that the way I approach my healing will be judged by people. That the slight cynical attitude that I carry would deter you. That the fact that I listen to Rob Zombie to brighten my day is a bit odd. That when I talk about my morning meditation, I share my honest feelings about it.That it wasn’t so beautiful, and it enraged me.The truth is in order to get where we need to get on our spiritual path to healing it may not always be pleasant. It can hurt very deeply actually, which is precisely the reason I avoided it for quite some time. I had gotten myself to a certain comfortable point where I healed enough that I rested at a pit stop. I wanted a breather from the pain that introspective work can bring about, but the pit stop lasted a bit too long. I started in Florida made my pit stop in New Jersey, but I am headed to Rhode Island.
It is time to continue along my journey, and have the bravery to do so. Bring on day two of meditation!Whatever it may be to get you continued along your path again do it. Whether it be starting your day with a meditation, picking up a Teal Swan book, or reciting an affirmation. Know that any fear you may face, you have the strength to make it through. That the pain is only temporary. That Rhode Island is only a few states away, and that you will make it. I will meet you there!