We all know that person, or maybe you are that person, the one who scowls at the mention of someone’s name some 30 years later. It’s one thing to not like someone or chose not to have them in your life, and quite another to get downright angry and depressed for days at the sight or mention of them a decade later. I’ve sat on both sides of the fence. I have both been resentful, and I have been resented. Neither place is fun because one side, being resented, is completely out of our control. And sometimes being resentful feels that way as well. It’s like you’ve been consumed whole by the bitter feelings of having been done wrong. This can be even more compounding when you feel that you’ve done nothing to deserve being treated so badly. The thing that we don’t actually know is that the other guy feels just as much as a victim as you do. This makes resentment a never ending and vicious cycle that can go on for an entire lifetime, that is until one person chooses to step out. Now let me share with you what I’ve learned by my having stepped out of the cycle that is resentment, as well as what I learned by looking back on it;
First and foremost;
1. Resentment takes your relationships from you. Just what is on the other side of that resentment? If you chose to work through the discord with the other party, what kind of relationship are you missing out on? What kind of relationships with other people are you missing out on? Here’s an example: If you have ever been on the dating scene, nearly everyone has a story about the person who couldn’t get over their ex. They hated them and would even replace their name with a reference to a dark character. They would unknowingly bring them up often and describe them negatively or say something foul about them in jest. Now just how long did your relationship with that person last? Resentment costs relationships across the board. It’s a fact.
2. Resentment takes your health away. #1 and #2 should actually be a tie, because without health you’ve got nothing. Resentment, which is actually unresolved anger gone wild, can cause headaches, anxiety and depression. It weakens your immune system and as a fun added bonus, it ups your risk of a stroke. These things are only the tip of the iceberg; anger unchecked is scientifically proven to shorten the span of your life. I don’t feel that any further explanation is necessary here. If you want to know more, I urge you to take out your pocket computer and look into it.
3. Resentment keeps you locked in a cycle, (as mentioned above). Like a rat on a wheel, a person unwilling to examine resentment and let it go, suffers in an endless cycle of drama and toxicity. What is worse is that they become addicted to the cycle. Even if at one time they were the happiest of the happy, people can begin to hold dear the feelings that resentment provide. At some point feeling miserable, depressed, bitter and angry becomes more comfortable than taking the steps necessary to move out of it into happiness. Yes, the very elixir of death, all because they fear the unknown, becomes more of a pleasure than actual joy.
4. Resentment consumes your productivity. Being stuck in the cycle of resentment means that once you get going on the business of living and trying to make a beautiful life – while leaving resentment unexamined – will leave you vulnerable to “triggers”. At some point, someone will unwittingly mention the person’s name or bring up the event. The next thing you know, you’re at the bottom of the barrel again and all of your hard work is now on hold while you curl up in the fetal position with depression or become irate with an innocent bystander. The good news is that if you are being triggered at all, if your heart races and you get that pit in your stomach, that’s your higher self pushing you to continue trying to heal. Those kinds of reminders are not meant to be ignored, and if you want to write that novel or start that non-profit, or direct that film, you’re going to have to sit down with yourself (and maybe a professional healer) and get to work so that you can get to work.
5. You look horrible to the outside world. I don’t mean to smack you across the face with reality (yes I do), but it’s only fair that I tell you the truth. I look back at the stage show of a life that I put on in my 20’s and I’m embarrassed for myself and I want to save you from that. You can pull yourself together all you want by concentrating only on your outsides. You can fancy yourself up with all of the designer handbags that they make, you can spend all of your money at swanky dinners with a ton of faux friends, but everyone still knows that you’re an angry bitter ball of bitterness. It comes out in your facial expressions. It comes out in the tone of distain in your voice and definitely in your snarky ass comments about others. It comes out when you say something off the cuff mean that you may think is clever, but all it shows other people is how you really feel no matter how hard you try to cover it up. You’re fooling no one. Even if they can’t quite put their finger on it, all they know is that you do not come off as a genuinely happy and authentic person. The more you cover yourself up, the more inauthentic you look.
6. It costs you YOU. If you can see from #1 all the way to #5 none of these things are happening to the other person, they are happening to you. The entire time that you hate someone, or are upset about how they treated you to the point that it disrupts your life, they’re wandering around doing their own thing. More than likely, they aren’t thinking of you at all, and if they are they aren’t thinking of you in a kind way. The only way that their perception of you would ever change is if you worked through it. Aired all the “dirty” as they say. It’s shocking that more people are unwilling to do just that. They’d rather work on a slow stroke than work it out with someone who hurt them. It’s sad. You however, can be different. Pick up the phone, or keep reading.
Now what if none of the above is acceptable to you? Where do you begin? You begin with yourself. You examine the event(s), the conversations, etc that hurt you from every angle. With an open mind and an open heart. You decide, or seek help in deciding, whether or not you contributed in any way to what you deem unsatisfactory. If you did, you work up to owning it and apologizing to the other person and then you ask if it’s ok with them that you both sit and walk through it all with a cool head. You replace “you” statements with the non-defense provoking “I feel” and you talk it out for as many times as necessary. From there, you agree and heal, and repair by coming to a new agreement, or you agree to disagree, shake hands and walk away leaving the future open to fate.
For me personally, I am a writer so I write letters. Many of my letters, so I am told, are greeted with panic. For a few recipients, that’s rightfully so. But for others, they have been the gateway for major repairs and a magnificent understanding between two minds. My letters are always straightforward and speak of only actual events and actual behaviors. Perhaps that’s why some panic when they read what I have to say…the truth always stings. That’s how you know its truth. Which brings me to my warning: just like when my uncle became angry when I pointed out his own words, people may become enraged when you tell them the truth about how they hurt you. There are people who are not ready to examine their own behaviors and by attempting to rectify the matter, you’re bursting their bubble by pointing out their behaviors that are prohibiting them from being healthy. Their bad reaction to your depiction of the truthful events, and your explaining how they made you feel as a result, is their invitation to continue the cycle of anger and resentment. You could get mad that they are mad, but that isn’t how a cycle is broken is it? If you truly want out of the trap that is resentment, if you no longer want unresolved anger and sadness at the hands of another human being keep you from living your life, then you have to get down to the business of LETTING GO. Now.
The only way to heal resentment is to work through it. You must sit and feel it. Many people chose not to do this because working through it means that they have to re-live the drama in their mind which inevitably brings back the pain, but remember that feelings are not facts. And also remember that feelings are fleeting. Pain and discomfort come with life; there is no avoiding these emotions, these feelings. This is what we are here to learn from. I don’t like to see people squandering their time hating others – whom they have no control over. It is a real shame to me to see someone so unhappy or upset and carry it around with them for the rest of their lives no matter how hard they try to pretend that they are happy. I’ve watched people allow an event they grew resentful over consume their entire lives for the rest of their days. These people died alone all because they chose never to open their heart again, as if hurting themselves by not forgiving was somehow bringing them justice. I decided about 10 years ago that I didn’t want that to be me, and I don’t want that to be you either. There is a better way…get out from under that energy in any healthy way that you can. In this day in age with so many resources at the ready, there is no reason that all of us are not living vibrant carefree lives! Seek to do better, and you will become better. It’s that simple.
Thank you for being here, it’s an honor to have you❤
**4 Ways to Deal With Feeling Unloved & Unwanted – (please cut & paste into browser) http://www.awakeningpeople.com/4-ways-to-deal-with-feeling-unwanted-and-unloved.html
**Editors Note: Please do not let the name of this article fool you, nor scare you away from reading it. It is quite simply the most powerful & loving description as to why the other person may have hurt you, and what you can do right now to change it all. It’s a short, but dynamic read. Much love to you.