One cannot step into their newly evolved self unless first shedding their old way of being and giving a proper nod in farewell to their less informed self. What I have come to find out – a revelation 20 years in the making – is that you cannot hate anyone unless they represent some facet of yourself that dis-satisfies you. Carl Jung even said: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Naturally, this piece of information is worth sharing with the world, whether or not anyone believes it at first.
I used to bitch a lot about the people that didn’t like me. However, let me be perfectly clear here; not every person that didn’t like me would bother me. In my newest revelation, I speak of the approximately 10 people that took up too much of my precious mental space for far too long. Some of whom are even related to me, and those who’s hype about me that I bought into. Some of these people I could tell right away that they didn’t like me because I am extremely empathic. Others have been kind enough to tell me personally. While jarring, this gets much respect from me. For telling me personally was less cowardly than my 8th grade bullies that did it in a physical way, and less cowardly than my middle school administrators that told me that the sexual harassment was my fault. However, I have to thank these haters for setting me on a journey. To these people: It took me all this time to learn how to stand by the fact that “boys will be boys” was not an acceptable response to what happened to me, and that I did nothing wrong. However, thank you for growing my empathy for children in the same position, as well as my willingness to take a stand against the adults that do nothing about it. Thank you for teaching me that not all administrators should be administrators, and not all educators have education as their priority. Thank you for helping me establish early on exactly how I will deal with the situation should my child be in the position that I was. Thank you for creating a parent that will be on your ass, diligently watching your interactions and what you are teaching every single day until he goes to college. In other words, what a parent should be doing anyway. Most of all, thank you for teaching me that what I was really angry over was that I did not continue to stand up for myself. I backed down and accepted your definition of me. While I was able to forgive this atrocious breach of trust from a child to an adult, I do hope that you do us all a favor and retire.
To my ex-husband, thank you for the gift of strengthening my character through financial ruin. As well as the test of my patience and my friendships by bashing my character against the rocks shortly thereafter. By now, most people with rational have seen that you were the major contributor of the demise, despite how you painted the picture. And by now there are a few girls who’s pockets are lighter or who’s accounts have been “compromised”, but I seriously thank you. Ultimately, I came to find out through the hardship that I have the intelligence to sidestep bankruptcy thanks to my work ethic. Thank you for showing me just how supportive my family is, as well as pointing out to me that I am a financial wizard when I want to be. I thank you for the lesson that had me realize that I was using my powers of consumerism in a destructive manner. Being in the position to only spend money on necessities and prioritize my new debts and spending, made me realize that I don’t really need much in order to be very happy. If it were not for this event, I may have never slowed down and simplified my life setting me on the course that I am now. To think that if all of the above hadn’t happened, that I wouldn’t have the wonderful gifts that I do now is mind blowing. I in fact got many many gifts out of my divorce experience. Someday I hope to have the outlet available to share them all, because I do believe that it can help the whole world. But most importantly of all, thank you for teaching me that I wasn’t mad at you, I was mad that I didn’t know enough about myself and where I stood on matters now important to me.
I would like to thank next those people that abandoned me as soon as our friendship (ie me) changed. I thank them because come to find out, the excessive socialization was my avoiding self-introspection. I knew that someday I was going to have to face my mistakes in life thus far, and I always meant to do so…tomorrow. Then tomorrow would come and a dance floor and some Jack Daniels would always win out. But when I got to the point that enough was enough and began to take care of myself, I certainly didn’t think that it would mean that you would all leave me. At the same time. However, to these people: from the depths of my soul, I thank you. Because I was alone, I learned how to embrace solitude. In solitude, you hear the whispers of your soul and you come to learn more about what you are here in this lifetime to accomplish. But perhaps the greatest gift from solitude is confidence. I became my own best friend. I learned to treat myself very well, really focusing on becoming a phenomenal partner…to myself first. My reclaimed self-love had me raising the bar on any and everything that came into my life. I loved myself enough to use discernment when it came to who I kept company with, what activities I engaged in, and how I took care of my body and mind. In turn, because I had great friendships and enjoyed my own company, I really wasn’t concerned with finding a relationship. Then, I finally felt comfortable enough to ask God to send me a wonderful man when he felt that I was ready to be a good wife. 10 months later when I wasn’t looking, along came Michael. Therefore, I thank you for helping me to learn how to be my own partner first. For you cannot be a partner to anyone until you learn this art.
Alas, as soon as you are happy, and your life has an incredible hum thanks to all of your hard work coming to fruition, there are those that don’t want you to have it just because they don’t have it. Not really wanting to give too much attention to these few haters, I still have to thank their attempt to break apart Michael and I’s relationship out of jealousy. I thank you for testing the foundation that Michael and I laid from the very beginning. I am grateful for having had the opportunity to see how well Michael and I work together, and to see the communication level we had when we figured out together (early on) what you were up to. What I personally have learned through it all, is that any test that our relationship endures ultimately brings us closer together. Most importantly however, I thank you for pointing out to me the last remnants of my insecurity because now that I have faced it…it’s gone.
To those family members that think that I am “on a high horse”, or am “too outspoken” (isn’t that an oxymoron?), I thank you for validating to me that I am going somewhere. I couldn’t possibly invoke that kind of response from you if I was meek and stood for nothing. I would like to point out that when everyone is running towards the cliff, the people running the other way always look crazy, so thank you for confirming to me that I am being noticed as running in the opposite direction as society. I AM a non-conformist and I thank you for helping me to be ok with that title again. I cannot in good conscious conform to this society if I seek to help eradicate poverty, judgment, racism, sexism, and any other kind of “ism” that prohibits harmony. You don’t like me because I am a women that refuses to keep quiet, and I don’t assume that just because we are blood and you are older that you are correct in your thinking. And yes, I am an anarchist. I do want change. Radical, loving change that eclipse corruption and greed for I do not want my children to inherit a shit hole. However, I do not believe the change needs to include guns or violence. I also want the way that we do business in America to change too. Michael and I are setting out to prove as small business owners that you can do business without hurting people or the planet. You don’t have to sell out, and that you can be profitable while paying a living wage. We want to show that you can treat your employees, who help to grow your business, as the individual artists that they are. That you can respect them by respecting their time and their families. If this makes you angry at all, then you are on the wrong side of progress and I don’t know what to tell you. The one thing about me that may irk you the most is that I lack diplomacy when I kick down the door of your closed mind and point out with a neon sign your delusions and how your behavior is what is keeping your life inside that small narrow box that you think everyone should live in. The world is changing and as a conscious evolutionist, I am excited about it and I like to point it out. In other words, I tell the truth. True to what they say about truth – it is gonna piss you off. Stop shooting the messenger because I won’t stop doing it because it makes you uncomfortable. I am un-apologetically me, just as you seem to be un-apologetically you. It took me awhile to stop second guessing myself because family is that powerful. However, thanks to you, I now I see that being myself will always elicit a response, and that those responses are the right of the responder – and really have nothing to do with me. This lesson was a doozy by the way.
I think that if one is out in the world taking stands, or crafting a life, you will have haters. You simply cannot please everyone. Nor should you try. And unfortunately, anytime that you do well, there will be those that attempt to sabotage…if you let them. While there will always be those people, those that conjure up the strongest of emotions should be paid close attention to for they are our mirrors. They represent something about yourself that you have yet to examine. If haters get you angry, you have to ask yourself…why? Because if the haters don’t matter, then they really wouldn’t matter. For so long I was trapped by feelings of anger, depression, resentment, and self-sabotage. For the longest time, I blamed all these people. I felt picked on, used, and I liked to play victim a lot. But come to find out, they weren’t to blame…it was me. I allowed their doubt, their fear, and their own unrealized potential to spread into my life. I believed other people’s opinions of me instead of valuing my own opinion of myself. This could only happen because at that time, deep inside of me there was unchecked doubt, fear, and unrealized potential. Worst of all, it was keeping me from continuing to build my life. But really, no one has the power to stop you from creating your life but yourself. So difficult lesson learned; the real hater from day one was me.
I have come to learn through much personal experience that trials, tribulations, and the challenging people that we meet, exist in order to strengthen us. Think about what the grain of sand has to go through to become a pearl. Or the piece of coal to become a diamond. Neither the sand nor the coal ever change what they are – they just transform. You see, it was never about my former matrimony partner, I was angry at myself for allowing certain things to happen. When I realized that those individuals poking and prodding my relationship with Michael were not the problem, that it was my feeling unworthy, everything changed. For those that abandoned me, it was a trigger for my unhealed middle school years which really was my first trauma. However, I am solely responsible for my life. Any changes that need to take place are up to me to change. And the biggest lesson of all is when you don’t know who you are, or if you do know but don’t stay true to who you are, it causes suffering. There will always be school administration, an ex-husband, fair weather friends, and instigators represented to some extent in life. How you respond to them can tell you what your personal opinion is of yourself. The classroom of life provides many opportunities that can either turn us into a victim or a victor. We can be made bitter, or made better. Everything that happens to us, good or bad, is character building. I have my haters to thank for these realizations. Without them, I would be no where near where I am right now.