I can say that I was. My coffee grounds in the sink. My unwashed dishes right next to it. I used to also be that person that would announce herself loudly upon entering the office. I would just barge in on Dan while he is working to ask a question because my immediate need to keep my desk meticulous superseded his need to finish his drafting of a detailed document. I also used to break the too long silence by shouting out the news that I was reading on MSN or CNN. You can count on me to yell out “new moon in Libra”! Or “Fall Equinox, time to sage the office!” Looking back on my behavior, I can see how I can walk in and fill up a room. In fact, we all have that power. Even if you don’t think that you do.
Once we do come to realize that we all have this power, the natural next line of thought should probably be, what the hell am I adding to these rooms that I enter? If everyone can feel my personal energy that I emanate, what am I emanating? When I thought about this question, I immediately put it back into the dark recesses of my mind, because I didn’t want to face what it is that I already knew; I wasn’t emanating anything good.
What I can say is that on my worst days, maybe at the height of my depression, I was aware enough of my succubus behavior that I just stuck to myself. I was able to manage my bullshit while I worked through each section of repressed feelings and emotional baggage that need to be released inch by inch. Believe me, I wanted to speed up the process, but the mere fact that I was back here again meant that I still had something to work through completely. Once I figured out what it was, looked at it, felt it, resolved it, forgave it, and then set it free, it was gone forever. But it was a challenging cycle that it for sure. And that happens. It’s right when the examination and feeling the feelings gets the hardest that we should perceiver through it though. The darkest dawn always precedes the brightest of morn.
The truth of the matter is that the power to change feelings/beliefs/attitudes/behavior/circumstances, was under my nose the whole time. Or rather, above it. The power to change the course of your thoughts, your actions, your surroundings, your day, week, year, life, is within us. It’s our minds. We can change our mind about any and everything if we want to. Too many people have done so and have even showed us how to for us to doubt it at all. All it take is an intention and some time, which contrary to popular belief, we are also in charge of. The main question to ask ourselves when we haven’t or even refuse to change our minds, is “why”. What is the argument for staying inside of this existence that you’ve created that you are no longer pleased with because you have out grown it? Safety? Comfort? What if I told you that change is constant and unavoidable anyway, and if you don’t change things for yourself to your own liking by creating your reality, it will be changed for you?
You see, I could have gone on and on with my depressive bullshit, and kept it going forever and eventually, Dan would have had enough. My husband and child would have had enough. My friends would have had enough. And everywhere I went I would be surrounded by conflict, which would inevitably spill out of me onto strangers. So I had to rein it in. I had to take affirmative action to find out why these feelings were coming up, and clear out my mind, open my heart, and think better thoughts to get better results. Feel better feelings to feel better. I have been in this cycle a few times to tell you that the ending is always the same if you don’t take action. A dramatic entangled enmeshment of hurt feelings until you are inevitably forced to re-visit that cycle so that you can truly learn from it. It is then that you should be able to see your part in the demise. Don’t worry though, this happens to all of us to some extent. Prior to this 4 week event of the doldrums, there was a period of 1 year doldrums which I have written about during this entire blog thus far practically. However, prior to that there was a period of 10 years worth of doldrums because I was so far off of my life path that my house of cards life had to slowly fall to the floor one by one to force me back onto the path that I was meant to be on. What I had built wasn’t sustainable, fuck, it wasn’t even manageable. There was no way I could have gone on for another 10 years inside of that façade of a life. Things turned to dust and dirt, so that the new things that were meant for me could emerge. It took changing myself first to get those good things. I had to become in love with myself to attract my true love. I had to overcome my lack mentality and my feelings of unworthiness to attract abundance. It then took me accepting the large change that had occurred, learning from it, and most importantly, forgiving it all to fully see that it was all for the best. What I have now is sustainable, but in both instances, I was/am the creator. I created the mess, the beauty and all that came in between up until now. I am not saying that there weren’t others that contributed to the mess and beauty, but ultimately I cannot control what anyone does or says to me. I can only control my reactions to it all, and my actions has gotten me either into hot water, or deeper in hot water. I understand that just like all of our lives are, my life is an organic living thing that I nurture and evolve by nurturing and evolving myself first. As I have learned it, I have to know who I am to understand and then seek what it is that I want. I have also come to find out that personal responsibility for self conduct, and how my self conduct effects others is also key to having a great life.
As humans inside of this super sonic, instant gratification society, we have begun to think that feeling good can only come from intense work that we sweat and toil at. We have created that reality for ourselves. But since we have created it, we can dismantle it as well. Feeling good is not a luxury, it is in fact a necessity. How can we determine our needs when we can’t hear what it is that we need from ourselves? Working ourselves into a frenzy is no longer working for most of us. That’s because it’s an old hat and we are trying to make it still fit. Probably because we don’t understand that we have the capability of making a new hat entirely. When was the last time that you sat in a field or in the woods? When was the last time you even sat? If you were to be plunked into the middle of a forest, and sit on a fallen log in front of a babbling brook, surrounded by the clean creative energy that the plants, the water, the trees, and the animals give – would you make it 5 minutes? Or would you need to look at your iPhone? Right now I believe that these are the questions that we should be asking ourselves. There is a reason why tree huggers get a lot of shit done. It’s because they have found out the age old truth that the slower you go, the more time you actually have. Don’t believe me? Then try it for yourself. What do you have to lose? I guarantee you it will work – I know because I have lived it and love it. And when I didn’t live it, I became annoying at work.