I know, it’s weird. There is the word “hate” in the title of a Live Your Positive Life post. But what if I told you that hate, in moderate, itty bitty increments, is actually healthy for you? So long as you use it as a marker that something in your life needs evaluation.
I haven’t posted on Scarlett and Jenna in a minute, but to bring everyone up to date; the co-op that I have dreamed and written about has been established! This means that I am feeding horses at 6 am 7 days a week, and I am completely in love with life. My Scarlett and I stand in the field and watch the sun come up over the top pastures in the crisp morning air. I get home in time to eat, shower, and switch laundry. I get into the office energized and happy. The entire process has aligned me with some of the people, the businesses, and the working relationships that I have been praying to align with so to evolve into my next chapter in life. This means that listening to all of the positive affirmations as I walk to work, having a clear vision of what I wanted, believing that it was going to happen, all of the writing, talking and praying, and then surrendering control of the outcome worked. I didn’t get what I always wanted, I got more. This is why I was so surprised when sitting in my office the other day I was overwhelmed with the feeling of hate.
I was sending out some emails to some other equestrian comrades while feeling quite lovely and grateful when I came upon the email exchange with the last barn owner after she kicked Scarlett and I out on our asses. When I went back and read her very last email to me where she told us to get out, after all of the lawn mowing, the cleaning, the bending over backwards at the expense of my family and my horse, I got irrationally pissed off all over again. Who the fuck does she think she is?! That’s when I realized that this particular situation isn’t emotionally over for me. That’s when I realized that the hate that I was feeling at the moment was because of this person. Which is odd, since had she not kicked Scarlett out, I wouldn’t be in this wonderful situation right now.
I thought that I had resolved in my heart the
last person 4 people that I have hated in my life. I thought that I had moved on from what I used to deem a childish emotion. As I have come to find out through really observing hate, it is anything but childish. Hate is actually a complicated emotion. It is an accumulation of resentment, jealousy, and lack of understanding to start. It is an indication of a void, or a malignancy that has become active. What hate actually happens to be is love backwards. If there is a thin line separating the two, then it has to be because they are opposite of one another. Hate is the only emotion that can have you want to do bodily harm to someone, but you never would because if you didn’t hate them in that moment, you would actually love them very much.
The truth of the matter is that every time that I have hated a person, it is because I either once loved them, or I had wanted to. The hate became palpable when the intensely passionate relationship went the opposite direction and I was blindsided, or I had clung to a vision of a happy gallivanting-secret sharing- mutually supportive relationship and it was unrequited. Both of these instances have happened to me exactly twice. Hence the aforementioned 4 people.
Hate is a strong emotion that your conscience is using to get your attention. When you get that hot gnawing feeling like your chest is about to concave, you have to stop and think. It’s a warning signal that you need to pay attention to. When the hate feeling is in direct correlation to thinking about or seeing a person, it’s an indicator that there is something needing to be worked out. For the subject that prompted this post, I know why I felt hate towards her. I had figured it out months ago, but it seems it came back around again for me to look at. Sometimes that happens. It just means that you need more time. There is no stop watch on hurt, and nothing hurts worse than your good intentions for a great relationship being denied without your being given a chance.
So what to do in the meantime when you get that feeling? It is vital that you let it out in a non-violent and non-harmful way. For me, it’s working in the barn while my horses hang out in their stalls. Or it is sitting at my desk and writing it completely out of my system right here on this blog. Whatever healthy venting process you have, you better use it, because I can promise you this; when you ignore hardcore uncomfortable feelings by shoving them way down inside, they fester. It will manifest in health problems, dependency problems, poor finances, unhealthy relationships, and general dysfunction. Ask me how I know that repressed emotions is where crazy comes from. It’s the reason why America is #1 in producing serial killers.¹ We don’t like to talk about things. We have a hard time allowing a basic human thing like emotions, even though we are all born with them and have them for a reason. Why are we not taught healthy and constructive measures of managing our emotions? Or taught to work through them? Why are we told to medicate and deny them away? I will tell you right now, nothing works but letting them out. You have to open the lid to let steam out of the pot. When I am really suffering, I am not above punching pillows. However, I am above pinning anyone’s face to a dart board. Maturity means that one can find ways to release what is within healthily without passive aggressive bullying, or through any sort of antagonistic manipulation.
The most important thing that hate has taught me is that it always comes back to yourself. Hating someone is never about the other person, it is always about you. Usually because the other party does not have the ability to accept you, love you, validate you, or any other comfort emotion that we all strive for. The thing to remember is that none of these states of being are supposed to come from other people before you give it to yourself. Looking for comfort from things that are variable is the surest way to live in misery. It’s what all of this self examination is ultimately for, to be that balanced. To be able to process information and use it to grow and do better. Ultimately, to let go of bitterness, hatred, resentment and go on to live a very happy and healthy life. This isn’t to say that you will never feel hate, it just means that you will know what to do when you do.
For some people it’s hard to believe that hate indicates that something about them needs to be looked at. This is mostly because hate is one of the “shameful” emotions that our society generally looks down upon. We link it to grotesque things such as racism and genocide, not realizing that those horrid states of being are in fact a by product of hatred. Of un-examined, unlearned from, and unreleased hatred. If feeling it and releasing it is the only way to avoid those things, then why would we be ashamed? Acknowledging hatred and working through it isn’t shameful at all, it is in fact noble.
We are all at the very beginning of a whole new era in our lives. Can you sense it? Emotions are about to become a huge topic of conversation. Old limiting beliefs are falling away, and a new cycle has begun. The only way to make this new beginning one that brings us to our true purpose in life, is to hop aboard and ride it. This is accomplished by keeping your heart and mind open and using our feelings, as the signals that they are to show us where we belong. Inevitably, there will be emotions over it all. Look at them, study them. Don’t judge or bash yourself. Let’s keep our lessons from our past emotional debacles near so not to repeat the mistakes that produced them, but promise to leave anything related to resentment behind. This includes hate. If, however, hate does pop up sometime down the road, just know that it is an opportunity to completely dispel it. Dig deeper this time. Let your heart beat fast when you re-read that bullshit email that you stumble upon, only this time ask yourself, “why does it bother me so much?” “What is it that I have to learn about me right now?” Those two questions open so many wonderful doors. For me, it opened my very own set of barn doors. If the reward for any dis-comfort stemming from self-examination is that my dreams come true…then I’m only sorry that I waited this long to realize it.
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